Defeating myself

Saturday was the second reining show. It was a warm and sunny spring day. I got up early and gave Mr. Semper a bath with the horse melting machine. He loved it. He was so clean you could see the pink of his skin. His coat literally looked like white satin. We got to the show with plenty of time to get in a good warm up outdoors and to visit with some old friends.

I was running patterns 6 and 8. The same patterns that I ran last show only in reverse order. They are very similar. That makes me a little crazy. The first class is limited non pro. The pattern was four spins to the right, four spins to the left, left lead departure, two large fast, one small slow, change leads two large fast, one small slow, lead change, wrap around, stop, roll back, wrap around, stop, roll back, wrap around, stop and back. I trot out to the center and stop. Feeling very confident that I know the pattern. I start my first turnaround and start counting and for some reason I stopped counting at two. And then panic set in because I couldn't remember where I was in my count and stopped the turnarounds. Now... not knowing whether I did three or four, my mind is reeling. I am thinking I only did three and if that is truly the case, I should just school the rest of the class. But since I didn't know for sure that I only did three, I finished the pattern as if I had done four. But I only did three. As I was exiting I heard them say "off course, no score". Semper did a really nice job - popped up a little in his first lead change and shouldered in a little on his large fast to the left but other than that he was on. The judge marked my run and if I had done 4 spins each way, we would have gotten a 68.

Turns out it was the day for big fat goose eggs... all the four riders in the limited non pro got goose eggs. At least we were all consistant.

I come out of the arena and both my husband and daughter are looking at me with this "what the heck" look. They have no idea why I have gotten a zero, but they know it isn't good. I am disgusted with myself. Now it really starts. All the doubting, all the second guessing and fretting. Once I make a mistake, it tends to just snowball. And it was an avalance on Saturday. At the lunch break they opened the arena to all riders so I went in and practiced my large fast to fix the shouldering problem and did a couple of nice lead changes. After that I decided to leave well enough alone. I got a copy of the next pattern to refresh my memory of where to go. This pattern is four spins to the left, four spins to the right, right lead departure, one large fast, one small slow, one large fast change leads, rinse repeat... you get the idea. I read that dang pattern at least ten times and every time I put it down, I couldn't remember how I was supposed to start. It was getting more ridiculous every second. Was it four spins to the left or right to start? Did I depart on the left lead or right? I could feel the anxiety building. I started watching the other riders hoping that it would sink in if I visualized it.

Now it is my turn to ride the rookie class. I go out and do four nice spins in the right direction! And another four spins in the right direction! I depart on the correct lead! I am starting to relax and think I got this whipped. Semper decides to shoulder in just a tad on the large fast to the left. Instead of just dealing with it and concentrating on my pattern, I decide to pick him up and try to fix the shoulder problom (that probably only I could feel or see) and he thinks I am asking him to change leads and he changes. (really pretty change though) With in one or two strides I change him back but now my brain checks out. I start thinking...is that an off course? or is is just a penalty? is it a half point or a five point penalty, should I just school this? My mind is racing. But in the wrong direction. Like a run a way train. Or like when they spin you around with a blind fold on in pin the tail on the donkey. Or blind folded, spinning around while on a run away train. I have no idea where I am at in my pattern. NONE. I know I did a nice lead change, and one large fast but for some reason I think that I am ready for my wrap arounds. So I do them and when I get to my last stop...(seriously that is how long it took before I realized I was off pattern) I realize I am ending the pattern headed the wrong direction. As I exit the arena I have no idea where or when I went off course or how much of the second set of circles that I did or even if I did my second lead change. It was akin to a drunken blackout. Of course I hear the "off course, no score" and get the looks again. Only this time they had an air of pity to them.

Talk about being frustrated. Semper comes out to do his job and I check out. I went home, feed the horses, tucked Semper in and left to go to Reno. Pondering my morning the entire 3 hour drive. What could I have done differently? Why did I let the "keeping score" thing creep into my mind? What happened to just riding for that 70? What happened to staying focused on the pattern and my horsemanship? I seriously have no idea what happened on the first run. I don't know when the counting stopped or why. I don't remember a distraction. The only thing that I can think of is that I was concentrating on the turnarounds and forgot to count.

The second train wreck I made so many errors I seriously don't know where to start. First, I knew I was anxious and I did nothing to ease that. Second, I thought I was good enough to school a run at the same time I was showing. I can multi task at work, but on the back of a horse - not so much. Anyway..the shoulder problem was so slight that it probably was only a problem to me. Third, I looked at the freaking scores! I don't wanna care about anyone elses score - just my own. Last but not least...I lost focus.. BIG TIME. Now that I have identified the problem areas I can start to focus on how to fix them.

I have another show in two weeks. It is a working cowhorse show. My first herdwork class ever. Should be interesting. Any suggestions of how to quell my inner Anxious Annie and Nervous Nancy... let me know.